Hogwarts and All
Posted on | May 13, 2004 at 8:38 pm | 2 Comments
I am currently reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib, in preparation for the movie adaption, which is coming out in a month or so. I did the same thing with the first two books – I read them right before the movies came out. Hey, they’re a quick read and I can mostly turn my brain off after a long, frustrating day at work. Anyway, it got me to thinking. Obviously this is a movie franchise with legs (unless the 3rd movie totally blows, which seems unlikely, since Alfonso Cuaron is a better filmmaker than Chris Columbus, and will hopefully not do such a boring, literal interpretation of the books, like the first two movies). But what happens after the last book comes out and the movies don’t have any new source material to draw from? Then I think they will need to go the James Bond route and make up some new stuff for the movies only. Luckily, I’ve got a few potential fantasy movie scenarios to present to the filmmakers…
(Keep in mind that since I have not read all five books yet, some of these scenarios may be negated by events in the later books. Bummer.)
Harry Potter and the Slave-Girls of Gor
After a subspace anomaly interacts with one of the living paintings at Hogwarts and accidentally transports Harry, Ron and Hermione to Counter-Earth, our heroes have to save a half-naked tribe of beautiful people from a half-naked Priest-King bent on collecting crystals or something. Eventually they beat the bad guy (who is revealed to be Voldemort in a robe) and make it back to Earth. Hermione learns the useful lesson that being an overachiever gets you nowhere in life, and becomes extremely submissive. Harry learns to swing a sword as well as he does his wand, and Ron develops a thing for leather.
Harry Potter vs. Godzilla: All-Out Monsters Attack With Vigor! (rough translation)
Hagrid is woken up in the middle of the night by two tiny singing Japanese girls whom, just before they are devoured by one of Hagrid’s magical pet beasties, reveal that the Tokyo campus of Hogwarts (defended by Mothra) is under attack by Godzilla and a horde of other giant monsters. Our three heroes rush out to Japan, where a large corporation has built them a giant robot that can only be piloted by three young people with magical powers dressed in Hogwarts uniforms. Using the robot and it’s vast array of improbable weapons, they dispatch Godzilla (who is revealed to be Voldemort in lizard suit) and his minions back to the ocean, but not before Mothra is mortally wounded. But not to worry! Mothra turns into a beautiful Cosmic Butterfly and flies away into space to become part of the greater universal consciousness. The tiny ladies, however, are still dog food. Harry has a fling with the pretty young Japanese woman who is their liaison with the corporation (played by Chiaki Kuriyama), but in the end he has to leave her behind. Guest starring ex-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as the aging big green lizard/Voldemort.
Harry Potter and the Reverse Cowgirl
The Dursleys send Harry off to America to spend his summer vacation at a dude ranch in California. He wakes up one morning and suddenly everyone except him is talking and walking backwards! He has enough power to counter the spell for one person, which he does for the lovely young female ranch hand played by Mary-Kate Olsen. Eventually they discover that the spell was cast by the owner of the ranch (played by Jack Palance, wearing Priest-King robes), who in turn is revealed to be Voldemort, whom Harry promptly defeats while on horseback. Meanwhile, back in England, Ron and Hermione go undercover as Quidditch players in an attempt to find out who is dealing magical steroids to the players.
Harry Potter and the Own-Everything Corporation
Adam Sandler guest stars as Mr Goofyhead, the head of a large Muggle company who finds out about Hogwarts and the magical world (by torturing a pixie he found in his mansion garden). He hires a bunch of Ogre lawyers and manages to buy Hogwarts. He tries to turn it into a vacation resort for American spring break co-eds. At first, Harry likes the change to the school, but eventually comes to rebel once he finds out that the ghosts (especially Peeves) are getting more action than he is. Eventually he figures out that Goofyhead is really Voldemort and that he intends to raze Hogwarts to the ground. Goofyhead/Voldemort accidentally defeats himself by having a temper tantrum and hitting his head against the cold stone walls of the school/resort. Hogwarts is returned back to its school-state, except that the gang decides to keep the disco that Voldemort built.
Harry Potter and the Ya-Ya Sisterhood of Evil
Harry falls in love with a reporter (Ashley Olsen) who is at the school to film a documentary about it. (Remember, Hogwarts was revealed to the world at large in the previous picture.) However, she’s part of a league of evil witches intent on bringing Hogwarts down. Her devious compatriots stealthily invade the school and attempt to seduce all the male professors. But in the end, her love of Harry wins out over her evil ways and she sacrifices herself (in a fight against Voldemort, disguised as a bartender at the Hogwarts disco) to save Harry. Harry is filled with grief, but snaps out of his funk when Ron and Hermione bring him some brilliantly colored sweets from the candy shop in Hogsmeade.
I could come up with a thousand of these, but I think that’s enough for now. Hollywood, you have my number.
Latre.
Comments
2 Responses to “Hogwarts and All”
May 13th, 2004 @ 9:07 pm
I’m sure the writers of _Scream 4_ will be banging your door down. Hey, is it just me, or do you think the actress who plays Hermione is going to be super hot when she grows up?
May 13th, 2004 @ 10:37 pm
You’re probably right there, Newt.
SNL had a pretty funny Potter sketch a few weeks ago, with Lindsay Lohan playing Hermione just back at the school after summer vacation. And she had… developed over the summer. The guys were naturally falling over themselves to impress her and be with her (even Harry, played by Rachel Dratch). It just felt so… real.