When The Funnies Ain’t So Funny
Posted on | July 3, 2007 at 8:06 am | 3 Comments
I’m still wrapped up in my own personal little world, and so don’t have time to write anything for you clamoring monkeys. However, I’ve got a little something from guest blogger Pilto, expounding on the current hilarious but heartwrenching Funky Winkerbean Lisa-is-going-to-expire-from-cancer-and-this-time-we-really-mean-it storyline. Take it away, Pilto:
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That Batiuk guy needs some serious anti-depressants.
Here’s the Funky Winkerbean plot line I project:
Lisa continues to grow weaker and sicker. Faithful Les, in desperation, takes her to a questionable “spa” in Mexico where herbal remedies, pungent teas, and foul poultices are applied by unscrupulous Mexican “Healers” to no avail. A desperate Les continues to mortgage their life savings (already nearly exhausted as her crappy HMO didn’t cover half of her medical bills), to the hilt in a vain attempt to save her. But, alas, to no avail.
Finally, in a gut-wrenching, tear weeping final panel, Lisa passes away on a Mexican beach with Les clinging to her, blubbering uncontrollably, as a large sun sets. The lovable nerd who couldn’t get a date in high school has just lost the love of his life… God is cruel!
There is a stretch of a few tedious intervening alternating plotlines:
- Wally becomes an anti-war protester hooked on Xanax
- Funky gives one of the pizzeria waitress chippies chlamydia after a hilarious wild one-night-stand falling-off-the-wagon party.
- The priceless comic book collection that comic book guy gets entrusted with is destroyed in a combination flood/fire. He is horribly scarred (physically), and takes to a dark life in the secret, oddly vast sewer system of the town of Westwhateverthehell.
- After being canned from her network job, Funky’s ex-wife the TV newscaster chick becomes a full-time Paris Hilton paparazzi. After Paris is arrested in yet another driving-without-a-license bust, the TV chick hangs herself.
Finally we return to Les. Weeks later, we find him sitting in a sh*tty Mexican cantina strung out on mescal and cough syrup. His once natty button-down short-sleeved white starched shirt and high-water pants are stained with beer, cigarette ashes and vomit. All the pens are missing from his pocket protector. He no longer wears his wedding ring — he has hocked it for booze!
The thought of returning back to his calling of teaching the moronic, hyperventilating youth of Westwhatever High holds no appeal. Even the needs of his child (whom we conveniently forgot all about previously for dramatic license) cannot bring him back from the brink of his madness.
He stumbles out of the cantina. It is almost dark. He meanders aimlessly, unaware that he has accidentally turned down a rather seedy looking alley indeed. At the end, under a weak red neon light, he reads a sign that says in English “Donkey Show”. His mind numb, his senses dull, the voices in his head ringing, he pushes aside the heavy wooden door and steps into the gloom beyond…
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Thanks, Pilto! My personal feeling is that the whole town is going to be washed away in a flood before all of this comes to pass, but we’ll see.
Latre.
Comments
3 Responses to “When The Funnies Ain’t So Funny”
July 3rd, 2007 @ 8:48 am
There’s still a Funky Winkerbean? You’ve gotta be funking kidding me.
July 4th, 2007 @ 9:49 am
Yes, there is. Today’s barrel o’ laffs episode: Lisa’s found out she has months to live (she’s dying of cancer), and mopes to the effect of “I never thought I’d be able to circle the date on the calendar that I gave up hope.”
Ha-ha! It’s hilarious!
Christ.
July 9th, 2007 @ 11:28 pm
Well, for me it’s nice to get all that plot synopsis in one large jolt. Our small town paper doesn’t carry Funky in the daily comics, but *does* in the Sunday comics (which I assume it (the paper) just buys already printed from someone else), so I’d pretty much given up trying to figure out what the hell the plot lines were, and just looked at the pretty pictures. (Yes, I know I can probably find the daily comic on-line somewhere, but that would require an actual interest in the comic that I just don’t think I can generate).