Name That Moral
Posted on | November 29, 2007 at 8:40 pm | 2 Comments
Once upon a time, there were two monks on opposite sides of the world. Brother Gabriel belonged to a monastery in Germany that brewed beer. Brother Matthew lived in a monastery in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California. Brother Gabriel’s job was to grow the hops for the beer, and he was very good at it. Brother Matthew tended to the strawberry patches at his monastery. Though the two men were both holy men with agricultural callings, that’s where the similarity ended.
Brother Matthew (nee Dave) was a Wall Street trader who was fed up with the hustle and bustle of the big city, and of the greed of the people he had to deal with. He broke up with his supermodel girlfriend, who had one of those one-word names like “Huska”, sold his penthouse apartment, gave his copy of Detective Comics #27 (the first appearance of Batman) to his nephew Joe, and headed out West to find himself. He had kept enough money (cash only) to help him get along for awhile, but eventually that ran out and he considered getting a job as a short order cook in a diner or something. Then, one day he had a one night stand with a counter girl from a Hot Topic who told him about the monastery. The peace and solitude sounded wonderful, so he hiked on up the mountains and submitted himself to the ecclesiastical life. A life of service to God. A life of quiet. A life of… boredom. Though he loved his strawberries dearly, he found that they were not a sufficient substitute for banging a supermodel. But his past life was over and he was determined to make the best of his new one.
Brother Gabriel (nee Peter) grew up in a village near the monastery. He lived with his parents and his sister and experienced great joy from tending the little garden they had. He lived a simple life. He prayed constantly and felt the calling, and there was really never any doubt that he would one day enter the nearby monastery. Aside from a trip to Paris once with his uncle, he had never left his part of the country. He found the big city loud and vulgar from the moment he entered it, and the food made him throw up. He was happy to get back to his little village and he never once thought again about becoming part of a larger world. He lived his days at the monastery simply and happily, praying and attending to his hops crops.
Then, one day, Global Warming destroyed both the German hops and the California strawberries. Brother Gabriel was devastated. He drank himself into a stupor from which he never recovered. Brother Matthew tried to find something else to do at his monastery, but nothing floated his boat. So he hiked back down the mountain and grew his hair back out. Eventually he found a job selling cars in Reno. He even got married a few years later (to a woman with two names) and they had three kids.
Life went on in the monasteries. The monks at the California facility were able to support their sparse lifestyle by making cute little animal fur sheaths for iPods and selling them over the Internet. The monks hardly noticed the absence of Brother Matthew. The German monks merged with a local commercial brewery that was much better able to weather periodic changes in the climate. The monks’ brewing expertise proved invaluable to their new partners. The monks held a simple ceremony for Brother Gabriel, secure in the knowledge that he was happy tending to his hops in Heaven at the right hand of God. Gabriel’s friend Brother Bono toasted Gabriel at the wake, “He was dull but he sure knew his hops. Huzzah!”
Epilogue: Somewhere off the coast of California, underneath the bottom of the sea floor, a deep rumbling occurred. Something was clawing its way out of the muck and swimming to the surface. Something big. Godzilla had awakened. And he was hungry. For strawberries.
Jogged Today: Yes (@ 20°F)
Songs That Came Up On The iPod While Jogging:
- “Dirty Dream Number 2″ (Belle & Sebastian)
- “Fractured Skies” (Parts & Labor)
- “Beautiful Bacon Dream” (Anton Barbeau)
- “Museum Of Sex” (Robyn Hitchcock)
- “Hey Little Girl” (Icehouse)
- “Not Because You Can” (Game Theory)
Today’s Weight: 164.2 lbs
Lunch Yesterday: Homemade ham and leftover turkey sandwich.
Pet Peeve of the Day: I’m out of strawberries and beer.
Latre.
Comments
2 Responses to “Name That Moral”
November 29th, 2007 @ 11:16 pm
It’s considered polite to post a link to their blogs.
November 29th, 2007 @ 11:29 pm
That is not the correct answer. I’m not even sure what that means.